mood: heartbroken
After meeting up with you,
How many wounds are needed just to suffocate me
When you are there, other people learn things from it
Reality in your eyes burns me
And left those scars of your name
I’m stucked with silence
But I do not need a reason for you to return to me now

From me, who left just for you
Has become nothing
What do you think is harsher than my pain?
Still, you do not say anything
These words are not meant for me
I will go somewhere

Trying to call your name
This voice does not reach you
Closing my eyes,
And I see your face shows lies, and laughter

Tomorrow you will probably go somewhere you desire
You can go anywhere now

I think about you so always
You will probably go somewhere
You leave me alone and keep running
I cannot reach you anymore
At last I’m able to meet you and it ended my overflowing patience
But a tear dropped and I left without a trace

Words which I could not say
Now the place where I once sang
Everyone compared to you is loved
But I still love you..

The place where we always met will forever stays the same
Without those memories anymore, I won’t find a way to return back
But I still can wait forever, you understand?
And now I tightly shut the door, screaming myself out until tomorrow,

Until all I could find is misery..

Friday of 11th January:
went out to meet farhaimi for my friday prayers
were very late and change of plans
went to buy some goods at 535 and proceeded to bedok town park
slacked and went to meet lukman at around his neighbourhood
he were very late so slept
woken up and farhaimi wanted to buy some food at the coffeeshop so followed him
around 7+, lukman came and slacked there
around 9+ went home by bus no 5

Saturday of 12th January:
woke up around 1.30pm and bathed
online-d and lukman wanted to go out, so is raimi so met lukman at bedok mrt station and continued to orchard
at orchard something happened so here goes
lukman spitted out something
he said that someone had actually already confessed to aishah and he blamed me for not doing so
my mood changed badly,
wanted to scream but my voice didn’t came
and tears bundled up at my eyes but i tried not to cry
around 7+ went home cause i really don’t have the mood to even smile
not anymore

i have my own ways of confessing to her
but since even just now she was overjoyed when she heard that guy’s name
i won’t even tell her now
and i’d change my blog to private so noone would even read this particular post
cause i can’t keep it to my heart anymore
i just feel like screaming right now but i can’t as i don’t want to be a burden to my family
i think i’m just going to throw those first phrase that you gave me the first time you met me
which is
“nice meeting you”
and i won’t even meet her anymore not even once cause it kills me so much
so many things are running to my mind now and it hurts so bad
i’d just wanna let it all out
but i still can’t
tears are already flowing right at this very moment but i think noone would ever notice cause i’m at my tightly locked room
why did i even make the decision last time
now i’m really losing myself and noone would ever know
i won’t give up,
but i will just let my love for her rests only in my heart
oh and why should i even bother to confess to her when she didn’t even reply my single message
she replied to others but not me so what the fuck should i even care if she knows how i feel or not
cause now i’m drowned by my own sorrow
and i know that person is much much more better than me so just go away everyone
don’t even try to find me
oh wait i forgot, you won’t even BOTHER to find me
so i’d just..
make myself to become my old self back
the one who’s like a machine
no emotions, no friends or what ever shit
and friends, love, trust are all just words which hurts me!

oh and thanks lukman for blurting out a single phrase which make me like this, wants to keep everything from you and much much more
cause now i realise you kept so much from me
thanks so much!
oh and thanks raimi and farhaimi for always being my friend no matter how many mistakes i had done
and i’m sincerely
wants to apologize for everything that i done up till now
whoever it maybe
i’m sorry

and i still love you no matter what!
*tear dropped again*

oh another edit at 12:56am,
don’t act as if you know me cause even by this blog i’m expressing only half as me
you won’t ever know me
not even myself cause i kept questioning myself
why did i even existed in the first place
for agony?
for misery?
or is it for those tainted loneliness?
i’m still feeling hurt, and it is still piercing countlessly
everytime i hear her name
i wish that i have this deleting device that will delete me permanently from this world
oh so you have really fallen for that person huh?
that’s very good
i will go away and disappear forever
don’t worry cause i won’t ever ever disturb you or anyone else anymore
cause if you are there,
i won’t be coming down at all
thats what you wanted right?
but let me remind you
that your name stays forever in me
i’m never gonna be the same again..